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Spice-s Belong In The Kitchen

Should I use porn to "spice" things up with my partner?

To be honest I'm not a big fan of adding spice to relationships. It's my opinion that spice is like searching for a magic pill—always in short supply and requiring multiple doses. If your sex life has become boring or has fled the scene altogether then there is likely something else going on, something outside the bedroom.

Stress is the number one problem I see when lovers talk about issues relating to their sexual interactions. Stress causes all sorts of physiological issues—high blood pressure, headaches, stomach problems, exhaustion, lower libido, etc. Stress also affects people's mental health, which can manifest as anger, sadness, apathy, and more.

Before you buy a subscription to a porn site*, take some time to talk with your partner or lovers about what is going on in your lives! The goal is to learn what has changed in the sexual relationship while acknowledging that it may never be the same. Once you know what the problems are you can begin adapting your sexual experiences!

An important part of the conversation will include what needs and desires you all have and which ones aren't being met. Your lovers are not mindreaders and may not know what you want sexually. This can be a sticking point for many people because we've been taught that sexual behaviors are innate, something our bodies know to do, but this isn't true. Also, keeping sexual behaviors secret or private helps to promote the idea that they are taboo and we should be ashamed. Break this cycle, speak up!

  • Name three sexual behaviors you really like and tell your partner or lovers Examples: making out, oral sex, and spanking during intercourse

  • Name one sexual behavior you are curious about but have never tried

  • Ask for more of your favorite sexual behavior i.e. "I'd like more licking and nibbling on my neck, please!"

If porn is on the list, then you can add it to your sexual interactions. I tell all my clients that porn, with few exceptions, is not meant to educate it is meant to entertain. So use it for that, please! Pornography is a film with special lighting, fluffers that keep the actors aroused, and a full editing suite to cut out those awkward transitions or oopsies, like falling off the bed. Porn is also full of unrealistic bodies that are pampered for up-close filming. Happily, there are many amazing companies making excellent porn that can be a juicy addition to your sexual interactions.

Book a Partner(s) Session for help discussing everyone's sexual needs and desires!

*Please email me,, for a list of inclusive and conscientious porn sites

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