Consent & Boundaries

TW: If you are in or a survivor of an abusive relationship and need support, you can call Alternative Horizons on their 24-hour hotline,

970-247-9619

Live outside of SW Colorado? You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at

1-800-799-7233

This Q&A may be triggering for some folks. Please take care of yourself and skip it.

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1. My partner hits me during sex, and I don’t know how I feel about it.

2. I am dating someone, and they walk all over my boundaries. What do I do?!

I recently read a fantastic breakdown of the abusive co-opting of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism):

“When the patriarch admits, ‘I want to beat you during sex because you are not worthy of respect’ that is not power exchange, that is not BDSM. That is NOT an expression of trust or vulnerability. That is a replication of the hegemony that empowers them.” 

sung yim*

Sex education empowering healthy sexual people and relationships struggles to break through media misinformation about BDSM. Additionally, we are teaching young people that taking what they want is “manly” and being taken is sexy. If a partner is hitting you during sex without explicit and enthusiastic consent, it is abuse. 

How do you know what explicit and enthusiastic consent is? Anything other than a “Yes, absolutely!” is a no. Maybe, I don’t know, sure, I guess, etc. should all be received as a no. 

When someone tells us no (or maybe, I don’t know, sure, I guess), we say, 

“Thank you for sharing your no.” 

This is a critical step in consent and is often overlooked in consent education. Very few people can hear a no without feeling attacked or disrespected. It is our practice to begin hearing no as a positive, non-personal response. Our bodies are our sacred, awesome spaces, and with respect, compassion, and empathy, we can say no and hear no with equal confidence.

To address our second and similar question, boundaries are a detailed no. Setting a boundary is something you may do in the moment or as part of a larger conversation. Again, boundaries are not a personal attack but rather a need from someone. They may explain why they are setting a boundary or not. It is the receiver’s work to hear and respect the boundary. 

Boundaries can be simple—Please do not call me during work hours.

Boundaries can be complicated—When we are having sex, please ask before touching this part of my body. It isn’t always pleasurable to be touched there.

The website Positive Psychology has a thorough blog post about how to set boundaries! Go to positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ for more.

Learning new boundaries can take time and patience, so ensure your boundary is clear and the other person can repeat it back in their own words. If they continue to ignore and “walk all over” your boundaries, it is likely done on purpose. Manipulation, love bombing, and intentional boundary crossing are all parts of emotional abuse. 

It is incredibly difficult to recognize and then escape an abusive relationship. I cannot emphasize enough the cyclical nature of abuse and abusers. There are moments of reprieve or a change in tone that can make it seem like it will get better. It is always, always important to know that leaving is not as simple as walking out the door.

Everyone deserves safe and caring relationships. Enthusiastic consent and honest communication are foundational in relationships, and we are worthy of partners who share these values!

*Found on Tumblr, originally posted on Twitter before it became X.